Hey Mr. U.S.A., still find soccer boring?

Well forget drinking the cool-aid of the Beckham hype machine, stop praying for a cut price deal on Henry as he creeps past his sell by date and stop thinking that the MLS will ever be taken seriously enough within your fair country for it to grow. It won’t, well not for the foreseeable future anyway.

So why don’t you all just try and make sure you catch every Manchester United game. It would be hard to fathom a better advertisement for the game. It may be like glory hunting to support a team who is so successful but who cares? It is becoming increasingly hard to have anything other than an admiration bordering on obsession with Sir Alex’s merry men.

The reason news should watch Manchester United over any other EPL team is that they are a team assembled a lot like a “best of” album of the premier league. They play attractive football and groom players to the same degree of Arsenal, they have the big name strength in depth of Chelsea and they have that intangible of grit and competitiveness of Liverpool. They even have a collection of cameo try hard lower level EPL players who slot into the team much like mail in competition winners, like John O’Shea, Wes Brown and Darren Fletcher.

They have that big name, Michael Jordan style player who new fans can immediately fall in love with due to his spell bounding display of skill, but yet they have a team dynamic to the point that Christano Ronaldo can have an off night and nobody will notice, for they have Tevez, Rooney and even a player like Hargreaves can fill in with a touch of genius.

When Manchester United are on the TV, it feels as if you are watching the future. I imagine American sports fans could draw comparison from the first time they saw the Spread offence in the NFL. Teams can barely cope with Manchester United because the positions players’ play is so ambiguous. The papers this year have described Manchester United as playing 4-5-1, 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 4-2-3-1, 4-3-2-1 but the answer is, that none of these are true. They play with such dynamism and movement that they play without a defined formation. They don’t play with an out and out striker, they don’t play with holding midfielders, anybody, can be anywhere, at any time. That is why their threat is so hard to nullify but so good to watch.

The change in style of play comes in line with the change in the Soccer landscape. American investors are slowly trying to eat up the English game. A lot of people wonder why it appears England is beginning to dominate in Europe where it had failed so often before. The answer may be that England is the most accessible nation for American investors, or indeed investors from any country, due to the English language. This makes them easier to export back home to the U.S.A. but also easier to export to Asia.

They are unstoppable. The ‘strikers’ they have at the moment are Rooney and Tevez. With Ronaldo playing behind, in front, side to side or wherever he wants really. That’s a lot like a team in the NFL having a solid young downhill runner with breakaway skills in Adrian Peterson (Rooney), a solid but under rated versatile attacker in Brian Westbrook (Carlos Tevez) and an often un-defendable multi faceted player who can hurt you in any way (although he often doesn’t do it in the big games) in Ladanian Tomlinson (Christano Ronaldo) The battle for central midfield is even more interesting due to the parity. Paul Scholes acts as a veteran QB in the mould of Jeff Garcia, nurturing the growth of Anderson, who looks like another extremely shrewd by from Ferguson, despite his performances this year being exceptional; he still brings with him an air of untapped potential, like a Vince Young. With Hargreaves and Carrick acting as Matt Hasslebeck and Drew Brees (solid, reliable passers who can often turn on the genius), distribution from the centre of midfield to begin the attack is always exceptional.

When they play on the wings, Kim Jung Park, and Ryan Giggs are under rated in their influence, both are incredibly dependable and Ji-Sung Park in particular is an under rated story of the season. Cynics would surmise that Park was a player bought for marketing purposes to Asia rather than skill, but he has not looked out of place, while Giggs has changed his role from a home run threat to a possession receiver. Nani when placed in the came becomes the home run, kick returner like threat that can catch teams unaware.

In defence, Vidic and Ferdinand act like Strahan and Umenyiora. Formidable players that don’t let the attack breathe. Wes Brown is the misprint in the team due to injuries and has the stench of a Patriots player who a team would completely overpay for due to his connection to a winning team (I’m looking at you, David Givens) While Evra plays like a dynamic cornerback in the mould of a champ Bailey,

Ferguson has stockpiled so much talent to the point that even if team 1(b) is playing, they are still more exciting than any other team. It also allows a special feeling to remain when Sir Alex’s perfect 11 is on display. Manchester United were a great team in 1999, but they were more of an old school style team. If Manchester United can win the Double, without sacrificing a nugget of excitement, or dynamism. They are a team willing to experiment so freely without losing any of their quality. So if the EPL becomes a “copy cat league”, like the NFL then you Americans should make every effort to get in on the bottom floor of this new revolution.

How do you solve a problem like Ian Wright?

How do you replace the irreplaceable?

With Ian Wright stunningly withdrawing from his integral role in BBC1’s Football Punditry as head of all Shawn Wright Phillips analysis during England games, we all have to wonder what direction they will go from here? This was a massive step by Wright, a step comparable to pre-emptively dumping a girlfriend who won’t return your calls.

England games will not feel the same if we can’t get a behind the scenes view on how Shawn Wright Philips is coping with the game at hand, from the point of view of his father. BBC have two choices, they can either hire Bradley Wright-Philips to provide such groundbreaking analysis in between serving time, or BBC may see this as a time to shift focus and give dispraportional coverage to another England fringe player. Perhaps Jermaine Defoe’s father would be interested.

Wright’s legacy is a pundit will forever exist in his ability to be both biting and non-sensical, often at the very same time.

Wright hinted at racism within the BBC regarding Black presenters, but the beeb immediately pointed to Garth Crook’s “Team of the Week” feature on the website to dispel any of these claims.

Wright also claimed that he was being wasted and  wanted to do more diverse programmes, where he would be required to do something other than just “Smile and Tap”.  Many observers were shocked that BBC refused to hand him such a role after the groundbreaking success the series that made him the new Parkie, “Friday Night’s All Wright”, or of “Ian Wright’s Unfit Kids” where Ian Wright single handedly made every kid in the country fit, by telling them they were fat. In doint this Ian Wright neglected his own son, Bradley, who turned to stealing phones and cash from a nightclub to get attention from Daddy Wright.

Ian can now be found displaying his talent while hosting “Gladiators”, stepping into the daunting shoes of seasoned presenters John Fashanu and Jeremy Guscott.  Wright will be working with a strict “no smiling, no tapping” policy. Fans watching Gladiators will have somebody to relate to now that there is a loud mouth, millionaire former footballer hosting. Not like those loud mouth, millionaire, former footballers hosting match of the day. With their jackets. And their ties…get a grip BEEB. It’s all about the yoof…and what says yoof more than IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT.

Untill then if you are suffering Ian Wright withdrawal try and console yourself and watch some of his best work:

http://uk.youtube.com/results?search_query=ian+wright+ladbrokes&search_type=

Not one smile, not one clap. IAN WRIGHT WRIGHT WRIGHT.

A slight Rangers related retraction.

So Rangers won in Sporting Lisbon! Two fingers to the cynics! Who can doubt Rangers now, through to the semi finals of the Uefa cup, player of the year in Carlos Cuellar and manager of the year in Walter Smith? Forget two fingers, cynics have an extra finger for good measure; have a head butt as well.

The Rangers team at the moment is divisive. The more Rangers win, the more divided the fans become. The ‘Haters’ feel they need to defend their stance while the defenders of the Smith regime feel more and more vindicated. What is probably the case is that the two sides have to come closer together. The cynics, myself included have to accept that Smith has done a fantastic job; the lack of building to the future probably isn’t as grim as you think and any manager who can bring any measure of European success to Ibrox deserves applause.

Meanwhile, the defence of Smith must accept that the team is not impervious to collapse; the way the team is built means this success will not last forever without some serious investment. They must accept that beating a terrible Sporting Lisbon side is not a definitive moment. The gulf between the footballing power of Portugal and Scotland is not so great that a win against a Portugese team (an awful Portugese team at that who are 20 points behind the pace of the Portuguese league) is considered an end to any doubts, the UEFA cup is also not the holy grail of football.

The defenders of Rangers must also accept the more they watch Barry Ferguson that his dominance in the Rangers landscape is not so great. He is no doubt untouchable in the wage structure, untouchable in the first team and untouchable in backstage politics. His performance on the pitch is often stellar, but Brahim Hemdani, Christian Daily, Steven Davis and Kevin Thomson are often stellar as well. The reward does not gulf the cost of having a Barry Ferguson in your team.

Meanwhile, the cynics who think that Rangers don’t build to the future should now accept, that a player like Kevin Thomson was not just bought because he fitted into the buying structure of Rangers where they just eat up all the young Scots on the market. Accidentally or not, Kevin Thomson now appears to be somebody worth building the team around. He doesn’t disappear in big games, his touch is outstanding and he has a good attitude. If Rangers can sign Davis as well, they may have found a central midfield partnership that has been lacking for Rangers in recent years due to the dominance of Barry Ferguson.

Defenders of the regime must point to Carlos Cuellar. Signing Carlos Cuellar for £2.3 million is one of the shrewdest pieces of business in recent years. He may not walk into any team in Europe, but he would certainly not look out of place. Rangers still need to watch out for the demon of age. Broadfoot is not a viable replacement for Weir, no matter how hard he tries. As cheap as words can often be, if Cuellar is even entertaining the idea of being a Ranger for life, then Rangers need to find another Cuellar. As one more quality central defender to replace Weir would provide Rangers with a backbone to build upon.

The most difficult choice Smith will have to make in the summer is Cousin or Darcheville. He can’t afford to keep both, their impact is fantastic but Darcheville has the risk of becoming Dado Prso, a novelty attraction with no legs if they overuse him and Cousin has the risk of becoming a moody distraction in times of trouble. I find it hard to imagine that they can both be kept sweet in rougher times than this.

Rangers have appeased the fans who appreciate a player who can “put in a shift” and “bleeds for the shirt”, but this summer, an olive branch needs to be put to fans who appreciate a bit of creativity and don’t completely buy into the home-grown try hard over anything else policy. Rangers need that grit and determination, but they must remember that’s not all they need.

If Rangers advance past Florientina and get into the UEFA Cup final then a poignant story arrives with either competitor. Zenit St. Petersburg would be led by the manager that Rangers initially replaced Walter Smith with in an attempt to bring European glory to Ibrox – Dick Advocaat. While Bayern Munich are the team who arguably damaged the Advocaat era beyond repair. Michael Mols was never the same after the injury suffered in the Bayern Munich match, if Dick Advocaat had Michael Mols at his best, the same Michael Mols who first appeared for Rangers, then Advocaat would not have been so eager to cripple the finances of the team in an attempt to find a striker to respond to the onslaught of Henrik Larson at Celtic. Rangers were trying to build a team who played comparatively attractive football and could compete in Europe back then. They needed a player like Mols could do that. It’s funny the difference one player can make when they are so important to an ideology of a new regime, imagine if Cuellar got injured in December.

Or imagine if Cuellar suffered a suspension in April? Or imagine if Cuellar’s safety blanket increasingly started to look more and more like the world’s slowest man, or what if his temperament went a little mental. What if? Well it happened, the main criticism about Rangers is that they have the stench of an escaped convict running away from the police, they are getting away with it thus far, but if they keep running it’s only going to get worse. The Celtic game could have been a town too far.

Are the happenings of the Celtic game a blessing in disguise? Will Cuellar and Weir now get the rest they probably needed? Daily isn’t a huge drop off from Weir and the move of Broadfoot or Papac to the centre will provide a welcome run out for Smith and Whittaker. Or does it mean that the impenetrable foundation that Rangers is built upon now looks somewhat penetrable. Rangers’ fans can look at how many games would be different without Cuellar and Weir, but imagine how different the season would be without the heroics of Alan McGregor. I’m no Alexander expert but I imagine he will not be able to touch the influence of McGregor. If McGregor is out for any length of time, it could amount to being the end of Rangers jenga like season.

The Career of Ronaldinho…and you’re the agent!

If Ronaldinho does indeed intend to sign for a premiership team, which premiership team should he sign for? Here are the top 5 choices:

1. Tottenham
Barclays are pulling for this signature as with The Hudd and Ronaldinho playing on the same team it will really take the financial edge off any future vows to sponsor players for £30 per mile run.

2. Man City
The thought of being the next Georgei Kinkladze, combined with the prospect of a delicious career suicide where by ever single Manchester Derby is accomponaied by a Sunday newspaper supplement doing an analysis of the impending Ronaldinho v. Ronaldo duel.

3. Chelsea
Roman Abramovich claimed that he was inspired to own a football team after The match between Real Madrid and Manchester United where Ronaldo lit up the stage with football of such heightened elegance. What we didn’t know is that Abrahmovich was actually only inspired to own a football team by “The Match.” The rest of the spiel was editorial. He wants to build the most glamorous Masters football team of all time. With Ronaldinho, Ballack, Claude Makalele , Schevchencko and Ashley Cole (Who is pretty much just a couple of years away from being Lee Sharpe) then who could stop them?

4. Newcastle
Keegan wanting to buy Ronaldinho is about as inevitable as Jack Duckworth wanting to buy a hotpot in the Rovers Return. Ronaldinho, Owen and Viduka up front should be an unstoppable force in Keegan’s quest to win the 2001/2002 English Premier League title.

5. Portsmouth
Portsmouth would have to break the bank to sign Ronaldinho which would involve the popping up of about ten holding companies, 5 swift briefcase exchanges in a busy airport and at least 1 person will end up waking up beside a horse’s head.

The Diary of a bored Rangers fan.

What a difference a year makes eh? Instead of having Rangers being the subject of intense speculation regarding the quality of their manager, it is now Celtic who suffer this fate. Rangers are instead the subjects of intense adulation. You are now more likely to read an article praising the Walter Smith era or an interview with a Rangers player about how happy they are with the Smith induced tide change, than you are to find the evenings TV schedule. Any dissention is immediately dispelled by the fact that Rangers are winning so there should be no cause to complain.

There is a cause to complain, there are many causes to complain. There is a whiff of a vague comparison to Nazi Germany about Rangers at the moment. Yes, roads are being built and employment is at a high but is that all that matters? Is this employment sustainable, or is propaganda about the present sacrificing the possibility to build for the future? If people want to complain they have every right.

Instead of Jews, it is the overpaid foreigner who is blamed for all the ills. Much like immigration is used by politicians as an acceptable code word to exert a dollop of racism, Paul Le Guen’s name is used to give credence to what is a blatant prejudice within Ibrox regarding foreign influence and building to the future.

Players fall into Smith’s hands. His buying policy is too transparent. Every signing stinks of being an old pals act, where Smith is calling in a favour rather than following a coherent plan. Whether to players he knows from his past who can come in and act as proverbial beer mats under the creaky chair of the Rangers team, or to players recommended by the agent who should be blacklisted-Willy Mackay.

Occasionally he hits the ball out of the park. Davis fell into Smith’s lap as an egg laid by the Daniel Cousin transfer saga (to give it it’s trademarked name) and Cuellar is clearly the shining star of the new Rangers era. But all too often, with players like David Weir, he acts like a man driving an old car which is flashing empty on petrol but he refuses to stop for petrol, get a new card or at least by a bus pass. David Weir increasingly looks like an accident waiting to happen. He has done a good job at Rangers, but it is the manager’s fault for not implementing a crutch for Weir’s age, a young backup who could learn from Weir’s experience and also deputise for him. Cuellar is being run dry also, although at a slower pace. The main worry is how Cuellar will play if his confidence goes, will he remain formidable? Smith is playing roulette with Cuellar’s confidence the longer he waits to implement a contingency plan for the Rangers defence.

This is indicative of how Smith ignores problems until they happen. He has passed up opportunity after opportunity to blood youngsters into the team such as Furman, Lennon, Gow and Naismith. A rotation policy is not always admirable, but to turn a nose up at the idea in the manner with which Smith has is inexplicable.

He has built the team around grafters, and try hards. Lee McCulloch, Kirk Broadfoot and Nacho Novo are barely real footballers. Steven Davis should be a constant smack in the face to Smith that for a player to “put in a shift” that does not mean that he can’t also be a talented footballer, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

The style of play is horrible. Watching a Rangers game brings out the same feelings in me as being in class at school. I feel like I have to be watching rather than want to be watching. It’s all well and good having tactics that get you through games. Rangers fans deserve to be watching a team that wins and that brings out enjoyment but it takes the fun out of following a team if they play with zero flair and zero entertainment. It’s like being in Chemistry and being made to learn the periodic table off by heart but you never get to blow anything up.

A 4-5-1 formation does not have to be so inherently negative. It has gradually got worse. Rangers now play with 4 centre backs. Papac does a job but he is useless in attack and would have been better employed as the man to provide relief to Weir and Cuellar. Broadfoot is only seen as being good because the expectation of him is so low. With Hutton going, wing back is just one more area where Rangers have no attacking option what so ever. Although Broadfoot creates an illusion of being an attacking force by forever ensuring that he is the first player to hug the goal scorer after every Rangers goal. In reality he runs like somebody who has just undergone spinal surgery so his attacking prowess is minimal.

When Beasley got injured, a massive hole was left (ironic considering his diminutive stature, haw hee haw) For the 4-5-1 formation to work in terms of both winning matches, and by not being the impetus for a boredom induced mass suicide within Ibrox, they need wingers with pace to support the striker. Beasley had pace in abundance. Now on the wings, Rangers often play Steve Davis, which completely neuters the influence he has in the middle of the park, and Lee McCulloch, who was most likely originally moved to left wing so he could just get out of the way and do less damage. McCulloch is as useful an option in attack as Cuellar and Weir are. Yes he provides a bit of an aerial threat, but does that make up for the rest of his useless output? It’s hard to even accept Burke as an attractive alternative, as every time he comes on he only acts as a flirtatious cock tease, constantly promising to produce but it never goes anywhere.

Another myth that needs to be dispelled is the fact that the Arian Barry Ferguson is in actual fact Steven Gerrard,. Ferguson is not a dynamic attacking midfielder, it’s a mirage, he has dyed his hair and he’s wearing coloured contact lenses. He fills the same role as Hemdani and Daily do in midfield but for some reason is glorified to god like status while the other two are viewed as being necessary evils. Barry Ferguson is the necessary evil. Too much of a stink is kicked up is he is dropped, but to view him as anything more than an accomplished holding midfielder is delusional. This then cuts the chord of the formation, as the striker is not being supported from the middle or the wings. This helps explain why a) Kris Boyd cannot play, as the lone striker role as a thankless task for Rangers and b) Cousin and JC Darcheville have essentially amounted to filling the role of one full player as neither of them can take the physical strain of the position. Cousin can’t do it mentally and Darcheville can’t do it physically.

Barry Ferguson eerily claimed he had made plans to be buried in his Rangers strip wearing his captain’s armband. Well at the moment he might as well be making arrangements to have “Ferguson was not his usual imposing/influential self” engraved on his grave stone, as that is how he has been described in almost every match report for the past year. It is getting to a point where Ferguson cannot rely on his skinny past glories. Ferguson actually being imposing/influential has become the aberration.

Part 1 a) of this myth is that Smith always played a team of grafters. Perhaps he did, but Smith also had access to a Brian Laudrup, or a Paul Gascoigne or even a Trevor Steven. Somebody who could provide some flair and creative spark. Ferguson is methodical and for Rangers to advance, they need to find somebody who can be creative. Perhaps Thomson can grow into that type of player but he is not quite there yet. This is part of the reason why the treatment of Thomas Buffell is hurtful. Of course he might not be the answer, but the fact that the Rangers fans are being denied the right to have a look to see whether he could inject the much needed flair is frustrating.

Being a Rangers fan now is like making a deal with the devil. Ten years ago Rangers turned their nose up at Walter Smith because his era was standing still, and they turned would turn their nose up at players of the ilk of David Weir, Lee McCulloch and Christian Daily. It’s nice to have a team that are winning but it feels like Rangers are an under 13 boys team, where Smith is secretly fielding a bunch of 14 year olds. There is something cheap and tasteless about the way Rangers are winning now. They remind me of the Boston Celtics in the NBA. Like a team tired of losing so they are going for broke. But instead of going for broke with creative, exciting players and dazzling their opponents into submission, they are going for broke by putting teams into a chokehold that lasts 90 minutes.

Smith may now be buying Scottish, But buying Scottish does not mean that he cannot buy ambitious. Mcfadden could have been the answer. A Scottish name with a foreign style would be the perfect medicine for Rangers ills. He could have been the player who provided the link between midfield and attack.

Rangers were just as bad with Le Guen. All about building to tomorrow without a thought for today. But there has to be a middle ground. As ridiculous as this is, what would work perfectly for Rangers is somebody like Le Guen as a general manager and Smith as manager. When Rangers made the Paul Le Guen era a dirty word, they threw the baby out with the bathwater. Rangers are presently run by a gang of old pals. Just as it doesn’t work when the coaching staff is at loggerheads with each other, it doesn’t work when there appears to be no external influences being taken into account. Just as Manchester United have the cosmopolitan knowledge of Quieroz to balance out Ferguson’s style, and Chelsea have kept Steve Clarke to maintain the grit perhaps lost by a foreign coach. Rangers need the same. Walter Smith clearly has his plus points, he installs discipline, he gets the best out of average players and he is good for motivation and team spirit, but he needs a yang to his ying. Rangers need some balance. Smith has built a fully functional engine but he needs help with the design of the exterior. (Thanks to Jeremy Clarkson for helping out with the closing line)

The poor wee soul and the man who could have saved him…

 

It was sad seeing Defoe on the bench at the weekend due to inelligibility. His little boy like enthusiasm stifled by the Portsmouth silly buying policy where no transfer is as easy as it seems. Portsmouth don’t like buying players the easy way, if it’s not blatant corruption then it’s at least some sort of oddly arranged half loan deal/half transfer.

The same little boy smile was stifled by Tottenham who had a silly buying policy of their own where they just enjoyed stockpiling strikers in case of the establishment of any rationing in the English Premier League.

Jermaine Defoe needs somebody looking out for him. His dad should have told him to sign for Newcastle. They would have had plenty of silly money to throw at him and I doubt Kevin Keegan would take much convincing to play a fourth striker. It is Keegan’s jumpers for goalposts mentality, which would have safeguarded Defoe’s little boy smile.

Kevin Keegan claimed that if there was a survey, regarding who watches the most games of any English Premier League manager and that he would watch more games than other manager. All well and good if there is a direct correlation between games watched and managerial ability. This is indicative of Keegan’s grass roots style where he believes watching games is the be all and end all while Wenger probably has a team of strategists analysing every single blade of grass run.

But if we only talk about watching games, how could Keegan not be besotted with Defoe. His smile is contagious and I imagine a meeting between Keegan and Defoe would devolve into some sort of Cheshire cat convention. They would hit it off without even saying a word.

As a player outside of his personality, Defoe is a good one. Not a great one, not a bad one, but a good one. This was overlooked by a Guardian Reporter in the Saturday Interview who claimed that Jermaine Defoe “Is like Marmite, you either love him or you hate him.” First of all, I couldn’t imagine a player any less like marmite than Jermaine Defoe; he is a decent, serviceable, pacey striker. He won’t carry a team but he will fill his role adequately. He won’t work in every system, but put him in the right system which utilises his talents and he’ll do a sterling job. Secondly, that metaphor is like marmite, either you are an idiot who loves using it despite how horribly clichéd and antiquated it is, or you a normal human being who realises that anybody who says it should be put down.

Jermaine Defoe, is a good, nice chap. If England are basically playing Beckham for his own sake, then let’s play Defoe for his own sake, his infectious smile deserves a bit of glory, and we need to see more of his post match issues which aren’t that far away from watching a child being given a sweetie.

Fancy a game of Pro-football? Give Gretna a call.

 

People put up with the SPL because it is like a rag-tag sports movie. Two members carry the league to some sort of veiled credibility: Rangers and Celtic, the rest are a hodgepodge of try hards, misfits and has beens. In this movie, Rangers and Celtic alternatively play the hero and the villain. Theoretically, the whole of the country can get behind the Old Firm as they battle on against teams above and beyond their ability in Europe, but they also play the villain in that their financial resources are so much greater than the other members of the league, so a talent drain develops where teams like Hibs and Dundee United become almost a hybrid-feeder team to the Old Firm. Teams have to suffer the indignity of their great white hope returning to his former battleground and not even giving them the honour of one final battle against their former club. Instead they have to watch their Great White hope as he languishes on one of the Old Firms benches.

On the other end of the spectrum from the undeniable comparative financial clout of the Old Firm lies Gretna. Gretna Football club has been run like an A-Level business management worst-case scenario case study since Brooks Mileson takes over. Class: An ageing invalid, football obsessed millionaire with lofty aspirations and little patience wants to take over a football club. He wants to reach the dizzy heights of the SPL before he pops his clogs so is going to treat the club like a rollercoaster, He will drain the clubs finances by paying for players above and beyond his means, meanwhile as this occurs he will refuse to address the glaring problems of a) the stadium and b) the people who fill the stadium. What will happen kids?

The Borders are a traditionally Rugby obsessed area, yet this didn’t even stop the Borders Rugby team from folding. What made Brooks Mileson believe he could garner enough support from this area to make a football team in the area a success where the Rugby team failed? His own greed and blinkered ambition. As Gretna closed its eyes and ran headfirst through the leagues, the stadium still failed to make the requirements for the first division, despite the fact that I imagine my back garden reaches the requirements for a first division stadium.

To combat this, once Gretna reached the SPL they played at Fir Park, the home stadium of Motherwell Football Club. This highlights the absolute farce by which Gretna had become, not only did they have little support in Gretna, but they had now arranged for even Gretna’s home games to be an almighty trek, while also nullifying any home team advantage, The home team advantage later manifested itself via the fact that Gretna could train in a sewer to prepare them for home matches.

Mileson lost £8 Million on Gretna, he is now too ill to have control of his own finances. Who knows the financial dire straits the Mileson would be suffering if he were currently in charge of his own finances. The talk has since turned to bailouts, if not from the Scottish executive then from the SFA or SPL. The only reasons being to cover up an almighty embarrassment and to stop the fixture congestion from being thrown into further disarray if all Gretna’s matches were to be considered nullified, if Gretna went bankrupt.

The sad story of this is that this isn’t even strange for an SPL club, in noughties alone, Gretna will be the fourth SPL club to go into administration, after Motherwell in 2002, Dundee in 2003 and Livingston in 2004. If anything was a convincing argument for the old-firm to break away from the SPL into either the Premiership or the Atlantic league, it has to be that the infrastructure of the SPL does not only not produce successful football teams, but it also is incapable of ensuring sustainable businesses. Rangers and Celtic currently therefore are following the Barry Ferguson model of ensuring that they play against inferior opposition so they can maintain their schoolyard bully status.

The integrity of the game is called into place if teams like Gretna can ignore the league’s rules on stadiums while they have a wage bill of over £50,000, which, while they were in the first division, was 3 times that of nearest competitors St. Johnstone, who funnily enough had a SPL ready stadium. In football, due to the vast array of ways to enter into the league, a salary cap would not really be possible, but the SPL have to police this side of the game better if the league is to be a success in any way.

Gretna have now had to release their players and they don’t have a stadium. The poster boy for the rise and rise of Gretna, the good Dr. Kenny Deuchar, is now living the dream of playing in the MLS. Gretna could not guarantee past wages for their players so as fragile as the career of an average footballer is, it was morally unjust to expect any of these players to risk injury without any financial compensation.

As I watched Sports Relief, I was slightly disappointed to see that the plight of Gretna was being ignored. I am also disappointed that nobody has seen the answer to Gretna’s problems staring them in the face. How much money would various football fanatic businessmen pay to play against their heroes in the SPL? I imagine for Gretna’s game against Celtic, Gretna could have found 11 men willing to pay £25,000 each for the joy of playing against Celtic. Gretna are already a complete and utter joke, why not make them a joke that are financially capable?

I hope Brooks gets better, and whatever he did with Gretna, it is the league’s fault for letting it happen. Brooks just wanted to build a successful team as quick as he could because his past shows that he loved football, he probably did what most of us would do if we had his money. It just proves that chairman need to find a middle ground, they cannot be money throwing obsessive who feed on control, nor can they be detached cold hearted people who treat the team as nothing but a business. But if I had to choose between those two, I’d choose Brooks every time. GET WELL SOON CHUM. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so hasty in selling Kenny Deuchar though, always handy to have a doctor around.

David Beckham BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Capello cannot have this issue hanging over his head, he needs to get it out the way. Only 25 more England caps till Beckham breaks Peter Shilton’s record. It’s going to be the elephant in the room untill he gets his caps. Who cares if he is essentially a part time footballer? Only 25 more caps and the issue is done and dusted, dead and buried.

At the moment Bobby Moore and Bobby Charlton have more caps than him. How can you expect David Beckham to show his face in the La Galaxy locker room, among such greats as former MLS comeback player of the year Chris Klein, when Beckham doesn’t even have more England caps than Bobby Moore?

Prior to the England v. France David Beckham testimonial match, Beckham said “I may be a squad player who comes on to take a free kick to win the game”.This is fantastic news for England , Beckham has carved out a niche where no matter how unfit he is, he can be wheeled out for more emotional glory filled GOAL! or Roy of the Rovers inspired clap fests.

England has two options:

1. Give Beckham 25 more caps.

2. Give David Bentley a couple of silly haircuts and a celebrity girlfriend.

One or the other Fabio, the choice is yours.

I think the choice will be made for him though. After the match Beckham told of how he felt “very fresh”. Maybe more players should forget about competitive fixtures and move to semi retirement. Michael Owen could go and play in Quatar, Frank Lampard could agree to a deal in Dubai and finally England would be over the hump 11 fresh players. Goodbye Premiership, hello World Cup Winners.

His Name is Rio and he’s the England captain…

 

Bet that’s the first time a version of that headline has been used…IT’S LIKE A DURAN DURAN SONG…GET IT? GET IT?

Rio Ferdinand was named England captain today, over serial moaners Gerrard and Terry.

To be a captain, you have to have a little thing called TURD:

 TRUST

UNDERSTANDING

RESPECT

DIPLOMACY

 Does he have all these things? He doesn’t even get past the first letter. Trust? Rio doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Any of you who were in Britain for the summer of 06 will no doubt remember the often immitated, never duplicated, groundbreaking series called “Rio’s World Cup Wind Up’s” where Rio Ferdinand  Punks (removed due to copyright by MTV) his England team mates. How can Rio as a captain expect them to have any trust in his leadership. No , they will be standing guard in case the wacky RIO plays a silly trick on them that is in no way reminiscent of an episode of Punk’d (removed due to copyright by MTV).

What next , England entering the five nations with Jeremy Beadle as captain? (R.I.P.)

Ashton Kutcher as captain of the U.S.A. basketball olympic team?

While England are obviously a complete and utter mess at the moment, Scotland can take solace in the fact that despite an onslaught of timely “injuries” to many star players such as Ferguson, Mcfadden, Robson and cough Lee Mcculloch cough. No need to worry though, Gary Teale is still available and any call offs have been offset by the call up of Gavin Rae. Gavin and Gary should inspire Scotland to victory as they are an electric duo…G Squared as they are known in some parts due to their chemistry.

 G Squared….sounds like a rap group doesn’t it? I wonder where a rap group of two celebrities could get noticed?

 Tune into Rio Ferdinand’s new show where he is a judge on what is being billed as X-FACTOR…EXCEPT WITH CELEBS….RAPPING. Featuring performances by Britain’s entertainer Shane Ritchie (Bradley Walsh was otherwise engaged),  Coleen Mcloughlin’s Got Talent Winner Coleen Mcloughlin (she was the most talented entrant named Coleen Mcloughlin) and Amir Khan, who will only rap if he can do it in Bolton.

 Come on Rio, this must be a wind up if you havn’t signed up G-squared. They are Rap Idol’s version of the Mcdonald Brothers.  Sign them and you’ll start to regain some TURD.

FORGIVE ME KEVIN KEEGAN!

On those pages I may have doubted the euphoria surrounding the Keegan regime returning to Newcastle , but with a 2-0 annihilation of the unbeatable, indefatigable, iron-willed warriors of Fulham, just 9 short games in,  Keegan has extinguished any fears of his managerial prowess.

During the game, Keegan began to revert back to his enigmatic self, squirting the crowd with his water bottle…

Roy Hodgson spent the entire game reverting into a scarecrow who has seen better days.