A Comedy of Owners.
I love the English Premier League. Who doesn’t? There is controversy regarding the monopoly of the top four, there is excitement at the bottom, excitement at the top. Week in, week out we see that any team can beat any team unless they are called Derby County. We get to see the silky skills of some of the most talented players in the world, as well as seeing some every men in the bottom half of the table live out their dream. The three leagues, the race for the top, the race for the Uefa cup and the race to avoid relegation mean there is truly something for everyone.
But I always felt something was missing. The SPL of course cannot compete with the English Premier League in terms of excitement, quality or pretty much anything else. But there was one area where Scotland reigned supreme. The cartoon Chairmen. Yes Abramovich tried hard, but the fact is he did a lot of good, his money meant Chelsea could compete year in year out. Outside of that, other teams didn’t cut it. There was a strange phenomenon of chairmen staying somewhat removed from the lime light. For example , at Manchester United, we are far more likely to see Bobby Charlton being interviewed than Malcolm Glazer. Or Niall Quinn only appears when he is spraying more money at Roy Keane when Keane appears with his latest list of Championship journeymen/Manchester United rejects.
The English Premier League seemed to attract real businessmen, while the Scottish Premier League often appeared to attract over zealous fans such as Brooks Mileson, Jim Mclean, and David Murray. The EPL appeared to banish chairmen who were “living the dream” such as Peter Risdale but the SPL revels in it. Chairmen let teams go into administration willy nilly, chairmen hail new managers as being the great “moon beam” chairmen attack BBC reporters. It’s what they do, the SPL is a playground and why not, nobody outside is watching
However, the man who is the jewel in the crown of maverick chairmen is Vladimir Romanov. Romanov’s display provoked one of the most iconic images purely in terms of its silliness as former Hearts players Hartley, and Gordon flanked Pressley as he spoke out like recently released hostages. Romanov believed his constant carousel of managers was not silly enough, so he jumped the shark by appearing on the Latvian version of Dancing with the Stars. Advantage SPL.
But the EPL would not take this lieing down, they brought in some big hitters in terms of maverick chairmen. Enter Thaksin Shinawatra and the most bumbling duo trying to make a quick buck since Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in home alone in Gillett and Hicks.
Why is Thaksin Shinawatra so funny? First he is the former Prime Minister of Thailand. His reign was fairly standard fair of a corrupt politician, what Prime Minister wouldn’t dabble in a bit of tax evasion, flirt with a bit of treason, and I think we all know that free press is nothing but a pain. He is so popular in his home country that if he breaks the terms of his exile and returns back to his home country, it will not be to the great cheers of a returning great leader, but instead, the threat of assassination. How does Scotland compete with that? When England’s most controversial chairmen returns home he gets assassinated, when Scotland’s most controversial chairmen returns home the biggest threat he is exposed to is being voted off a Saturday evening ballroom dance related reality show.
Thaksin isn’t content with the power he felt in Thailand. He wants a slightly higher power, that is why Thaksin is intent on becoming as powerful as the very concept of karma. Sven Goran Eriksson lived in a web of shame, the numerous affairs, his image ruined by revealing to an undercover reporter that he would leave England to manage Aston Villa won the world cup- provided a wealthy Arab was involved in a take over of Aston Villa. Then he played Monaco off a club in Dubai to continue his money grabbing ways, before jilting them both and signing for Manchester City. Thaksin offered Sven a chance for redemption in England. Only to cruelly snatch it away when Sven thought he had finally regained acceptance. Karma Shinawatra.
Meanwhile Gillett and Hicks are so ridiculous, baffling and tiresome, that Will Ferrel and John C Reily are probably bidding for rights to the screen play. Nobody quite understands what is going on, but any story, which manages to turn Rick Parry into a fulcrum of newspaper stories nationwide, must be completely confusing. It’s worked out perfectly for Steven Gerrard as whenever he feels like a good moan, he now has a perfectly legitimate object of his constant moaning sitting right above him. The whole thing basically amounts to Gillett having an affair with DIC and Hicks tries to prove he’s the better father by cuddling up to their often ignored illegitimate son Rafael Benitez.
The closest Scotland ever got to having a comedy double act as chairmen was when US property developer Brian Dempsey and Simple Minds singer were in the bidding war to buy Celtic. We couldn’t even get that right. Instead Celtic got John Reid as Chairmen, yes the former Home Secretary. He wasn’t Prime Minister and wasn’t even forced into exile. Advantage England.
