End of an era…

Wrestlemania tonight, the big one. Stay tuned to www.ihos.wordpress.com for a post Wrestlemania blog.

The Wrestlemania preview podcast is available, simply by going to www.subcity.org –> click listen again –> find “Sports Entertainment” on the Sunday listing and listen to the latest show –> Have a schnarf.

It’s a biggie, forget the Mayweather rubbish, it’s all about the end of an era, the Nature Boy Ric Flair prematurely calling an end to his glorious career at the age of 97. Tune into watch him go out in a blaze of glory (or knowing the WWE, tune into watching him being superkicked with a trashcan over his head, get dry-humped by Mae Young and then be forced by Cade and Murdoch to kiss Vince Mcmahon’s ass) .

Some may be asking, after seeing this picture, whether the Nature Boy still has it:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fJF-s944WV4 This should answer any questions.

But we all must lament that Ric Flair’s last match will not come against, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ozY0SqriQnE

One ….Last…..WOOOOOOOO….

I had a vision….unfortunately it involved Dwain Chambers..gutted.

A premonition is an odd thing. When you have a dream that is so vivid, so clear that you think it’s almost real. Well after reading about Dwain Chambers joining Rugby league team Castleford Tigers. My brain couldn’t compute the deja-vu. Surely after being embarrassed during a spell playing American Football, a sport which in it’s nature can allow people to specialise on one physical skill (ie. running fast.) Surely the disgraced sprinter wouldn’t try a far more complex game, so late in his sporting career, without the help of the magic roids? Well he will.

The times called it a dramatic career switch. It’s not all that dramatic really,a sportsman, with no career in his chosen sport, changing to any sport that will take him. It’s like a disgraced actor turning to porn.

All that went through my head and I fell into a deep sleep/Dwain Chambers media swarm induced coma. When I woke up the premonition was vivid:

Dwain Chambers will not be a good rugby league player.

It’s a bold prediction I know, very bold. But that’s the kind of guy I am, I make the bold predictions.

In other news, Wigan are making a bid for Flo-Jo…it’s all the rage. Disgraced sprinters are so in right now.

Let’s play a game: How many sports will Dwain Chambers fail at before he finds his true calling, and which sport will his true calling be?

I’m going for 17, and Polo.

It must be love, love, love.

…more musings from the Never Ending Story.

I once worked with a girl. She was a beautiful girl. Such a lovely personality. Every boy at work was putty in her hands. She had all the intangibles that you would ever need in a girl. During breaks, while going to get an ice cream, me and 3 other red-blooded males would often muse about how lovely she was. She was so lovely that this never looked to degenerate into the murky waters of faux ladishness grunting sex-speak. We never spoke of anything but our admiration for her beauty, her personality and her remarkable …well we couldn’t even put our finger on it.

One night, beers were flowing freely and we began to wax lyrical about how great she was. Upon realising how ridiculous this was, we began to try and think of a fault that she had. Initially, we couldn’t, until one of our friends pointed out that she had a moustache. Then one by one, we all admitted we had noticed it. It wasn’t a Burt Reynolds moustache but it was definitely noticeable, and we were all willing to look past it. We then began to talk about what else we would overlook about her, I think we got as far as questioning whether we’d overlook her being a post-op transsexual.

We had to admire her from afar, not that any of us were in any way cool enough to even entertain the idea of asking her out, but this lack of confidence was confirmed by the fact she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend, as if it was written in a bad teen comedy, was a tattooed a-hole. Nobody had a good word to say about him and to describe his personality as being as appealing, as a pane of glass would be a ridiculous compliment of which he would not be worthy.

A few years ago, I watched from afar this young kick returner called Wes Welker, he was small, just like the girl, he had all the intangibles that made him special, he had ability that was immeasurable. Just as my admiration went even further, he left his tattooed a-hole loser boyfriend, the Miami Dolphins. When he joined the Patriots I begin to think there was nothing more I could want in a player, he was an against all odds player, supposedly too small who had been picked up by the Patriots from the scrap heap. Me and my friends often sat and discussed how beautiful it was to watch him fight for yards after the catch against players twice his size, to watch him weave in and out of hapless defenders and to watch him to keep his eye on the ball despite the inevitability of near destruction coming from a hard hitting safety.

Then he took his helmet off and he had a silly moustache.

This was becoming a theme in my life; I was willing to overlook it because everything else was just so beautiful and perfect about him. He was the true hero of the Patriots season. He was the engine while Randy Moss was the smooth fancy exterior.

Then I looked at the bigger picture, and I’ve come to terms with my feelings about the Patriots season and this is my final word on the subject. Yes, spy-gate might be a moustache on the beautiful face of the New England Patriots organisation. But we cannot forget how beautiful the New England patriots are, what a perfect team with all the intangibles. In many ways they are even better than the aforementioned beautiful girl as when they got a tattooed loser boyfriend-Randy Moss, they made me fall in love with him as well. That has to count for something. It’s slow season in the NFL so I think you all need a bit more reminding of how beautiful the Patriots are, rather than hearing random draft rumours of which I have no sources.

I wish that was me straddling Wes Welker…

The poor wee soul and the man who could have saved him…

 

It was sad seeing Defoe on the bench at the weekend due to inelligibility. His little boy like enthusiasm stifled by the Portsmouth silly buying policy where no transfer is as easy as it seems. Portsmouth don’t like buying players the easy way, if it’s not blatant corruption then it’s at least some sort of oddly arranged half loan deal/half transfer.

The same little boy smile was stifled by Tottenham who had a silly buying policy of their own where they just enjoyed stockpiling strikers in case of the establishment of any rationing in the English Premier League.

Jermaine Defoe needs somebody looking out for him. His dad should have told him to sign for Newcastle. They would have had plenty of silly money to throw at him and I doubt Kevin Keegan would take much convincing to play a fourth striker. It is Keegan’s jumpers for goalposts mentality, which would have safeguarded Defoe’s little boy smile.

Kevin Keegan claimed that if there was a survey, regarding who watches the most games of any English Premier League manager and that he would watch more games than other manager. All well and good if there is a direct correlation between games watched and managerial ability. This is indicative of Keegan’s grass roots style where he believes watching games is the be all and end all while Wenger probably has a team of strategists analysing every single blade of grass run.

But if we only talk about watching games, how could Keegan not be besotted with Defoe. His smile is contagious and I imagine a meeting between Keegan and Defoe would devolve into some sort of Cheshire cat convention. They would hit it off without even saying a word.

As a player outside of his personality, Defoe is a good one. Not a great one, not a bad one, but a good one. This was overlooked by a Guardian Reporter in the Saturday Interview who claimed that Jermaine Defoe “Is like Marmite, you either love him or you hate him.” First of all, I couldn’t imagine a player any less like marmite than Jermaine Defoe; he is a decent, serviceable, pacey striker. He won’t carry a team but he will fill his role adequately. He won’t work in every system, but put him in the right system which utilises his talents and he’ll do a sterling job. Secondly, that metaphor is like marmite, either you are an idiot who loves using it despite how horribly clichéd and antiquated it is, or you a normal human being who realises that anybody who says it should be put down.

Jermaine Defoe, is a good, nice chap. If England are basically playing Beckham for his own sake, then let’s play Defoe for his own sake, his infectious smile deserves a bit of glory, and we need to see more of his post match issues which aren’t that far away from watching a child being given a sweetie.

Let’s put the NFL offseason in perspective:

The NFL: How much the offseason matters funalogies:

Texans quarterback scenario closely resembles a 3 for 20 pound deal in HMV, yes one of them might turn out to be a keeper but chances are 6 months later you’ll wish you could have had your money back and two of them are still in the wrapper. Quinn Gray reminds me of the Last Samarai dvd I bought in a similar deal..it’s still in its wrapper.

San Francisco being given the 12th pick instead of the 7th pick resembles an unemployed woman with ten credit cards having them cut up by her father. The more they keep spending on high draft picks and NATE CLEMENTS, the more they are likely to dig themselves into a horrific little hole. The draft is a crapshoot anyway, yes with the 7th pick they might get an Adrian Peterson as in 2007, but at 12 they could have still got a player of the quality of Marshawn Lynch. If we look at 2005, at 7 they would have got a pure and simple stinker in Troy Williamson while they could have drafted Shawn Merriman at 12. It’s a gamble wherever you pick, you might as well do it with less guaranteed money. This is the make or break season, Mike Nolan has to make something happen that is more interesting than his dress sense.

Pacman Jones rumoured to be interested in signing with the Patriots makes the Patriots resemble Buddhism for NFL players. Players believe they can be washed of their sins as long as they play for the Patriots.

On the other hand, Pacman Jones , Chad Johnson and Darren Mcfadden being pursued by the Cowboys resembles being one move away from making a move for Burt Reynolds or Adam Sandler at QB and making the Cowboys the new “Mean machine”. Perhaps “The New Bengals” may be a more contemporary example.

Chad Johnson pursuing the Cowboys rather than the Jaguars resembles somebody who is in dysfunctional relationships all their lives. They repeatedly blame their partner but in the end, Chad will have to think that maybe he goes looking for these dysfunctional relationships, What about the nice girl next door, the Jaguars, they are shy but if you got her number I’m sure they’d go out with you. You two would be a marriage made in heaven.

Arizona Cardinals resemble a team looking into the crystal ball. Building a team around two superstar receivers does not work and the Cardinals will never fulfil their constant pre-season promise as long as they have two superstar receivers. In their crystal ball they must see themselves in about three years when they see the Bengals.

Chad Johnson on NFL access resembles the best pitch for a film ever: BUDDY MOVIE, CHAD JOHNSON, RICH EISEN….Rich Eisen has to pretend he’s on Johnson’s wave length for 90 minutes with hilarious results.

Michael Irvin interviewing Pacman Jones on ESPN radio resembles the best argument I’ve ever heard for the radio becoming obsolete.

Troy Brown going to the Jets resembles the scene in Waynes World where Stacey is trying to make Wayne jealous by kissing a roadie, while Wayne looks on as he tries to ignore Stacey as he puts the moves on Cassandra (Wes Welker).

Fancy a game of Pro-football? Give Gretna a call.

 

People put up with the SPL because it is like a rag-tag sports movie. Two members carry the league to some sort of veiled credibility: Rangers and Celtic, the rest are a hodgepodge of try hards, misfits and has beens. In this movie, Rangers and Celtic alternatively play the hero and the villain. Theoretically, the whole of the country can get behind the Old Firm as they battle on against teams above and beyond their ability in Europe, but they also play the villain in that their financial resources are so much greater than the other members of the league, so a talent drain develops where teams like Hibs and Dundee United become almost a hybrid-feeder team to the Old Firm. Teams have to suffer the indignity of their great white hope returning to his former battleground and not even giving them the honour of one final battle against their former club. Instead they have to watch their Great White hope as he languishes on one of the Old Firms benches.

On the other end of the spectrum from the undeniable comparative financial clout of the Old Firm lies Gretna. Gretna Football club has been run like an A-Level business management worst-case scenario case study since Brooks Mileson takes over. Class: An ageing invalid, football obsessed millionaire with lofty aspirations and little patience wants to take over a football club. He wants to reach the dizzy heights of the SPL before he pops his clogs so is going to treat the club like a rollercoaster, He will drain the clubs finances by paying for players above and beyond his means, meanwhile as this occurs he will refuse to address the glaring problems of a) the stadium and b) the people who fill the stadium. What will happen kids?

The Borders are a traditionally Rugby obsessed area, yet this didn’t even stop the Borders Rugby team from folding. What made Brooks Mileson believe he could garner enough support from this area to make a football team in the area a success where the Rugby team failed? His own greed and blinkered ambition. As Gretna closed its eyes and ran headfirst through the leagues, the stadium still failed to make the requirements for the first division, despite the fact that I imagine my back garden reaches the requirements for a first division stadium.

To combat this, once Gretna reached the SPL they played at Fir Park, the home stadium of Motherwell Football Club. This highlights the absolute farce by which Gretna had become, not only did they have little support in Gretna, but they had now arranged for even Gretna’s home games to be an almighty trek, while also nullifying any home team advantage, The home team advantage later manifested itself via the fact that Gretna could train in a sewer to prepare them for home matches.

Mileson lost £8 Million on Gretna, he is now too ill to have control of his own finances. Who knows the financial dire straits the Mileson would be suffering if he were currently in charge of his own finances. The talk has since turned to bailouts, if not from the Scottish executive then from the SFA or SPL. The only reasons being to cover up an almighty embarrassment and to stop the fixture congestion from being thrown into further disarray if all Gretna’s matches were to be considered nullified, if Gretna went bankrupt.

The sad story of this is that this isn’t even strange for an SPL club, in noughties alone, Gretna will be the fourth SPL club to go into administration, after Motherwell in 2002, Dundee in 2003 and Livingston in 2004. If anything was a convincing argument for the old-firm to break away from the SPL into either the Premiership or the Atlantic league, it has to be that the infrastructure of the SPL does not only not produce successful football teams, but it also is incapable of ensuring sustainable businesses. Rangers and Celtic currently therefore are following the Barry Ferguson model of ensuring that they play against inferior opposition so they can maintain their schoolyard bully status.

The integrity of the game is called into place if teams like Gretna can ignore the league’s rules on stadiums while they have a wage bill of over £50,000, which, while they were in the first division, was 3 times that of nearest competitors St. Johnstone, who funnily enough had a SPL ready stadium. In football, due to the vast array of ways to enter into the league, a salary cap would not really be possible, but the SPL have to police this side of the game better if the league is to be a success in any way.

Gretna have now had to release their players and they don’t have a stadium. The poster boy for the rise and rise of Gretna, the good Dr. Kenny Deuchar, is now living the dream of playing in the MLS. Gretna could not guarantee past wages for their players so as fragile as the career of an average footballer is, it was morally unjust to expect any of these players to risk injury without any financial compensation.

As I watched Sports Relief, I was slightly disappointed to see that the plight of Gretna was being ignored. I am also disappointed that nobody has seen the answer to Gretna’s problems staring them in the face. How much money would various football fanatic businessmen pay to play against their heroes in the SPL? I imagine for Gretna’s game against Celtic, Gretna could have found 11 men willing to pay £25,000 each for the joy of playing against Celtic. Gretna are already a complete and utter joke, why not make them a joke that are financially capable?

I hope Brooks gets better, and whatever he did with Gretna, it is the league’s fault for letting it happen. Brooks just wanted to build a successful team as quick as he could because his past shows that he loved football, he probably did what most of us would do if we had his money. It just proves that chairman need to find a middle ground, they cannot be money throwing obsessive who feed on control, nor can they be detached cold hearted people who treat the team as nothing but a business. But if I had to choose between those two, I’d choose Brooks every time. GET WELL SOON CHUM. Maybe you shouldn’t have been so hasty in selling Kenny Deuchar though, always handy to have a doctor around.

To boldly go….to NBA Europa.

 

The NBA branching out into Europe is potentially one of the most interesting developments in Sport in a long time. So far we have seen second class Soccer in the USA and second-class American Football and Basketball in Britain. We have never seen a comparative product establish itself in the market across the Atlantic. With the NBA playing four pre-season games in Europe to test the waters of an extension of the NBA into Europe, this is clearly a potentially massive change in the sporting landscape.

The MLS has constantly flirted with being big time with signings such as Pele and Beckenbauer back in the days of the Cosmos and the infamous Beckham signing with LA Galaxy. NFL Europa was as much of an indictment on the fact that a second American Football league does not work, as much as it was in any way revealing of the interest in American Football across the pond. Even the most die hard American would struggle to interest themselves in journeymen quarterbacks terrorising defences made up of a bunch of waived practice squad oddities.

Comparatively, when American first class sport has made its way across the pond such as the London NFL game, which, despite being an absolute stinker involving the Miami Dolphins was a resounding sell out. The upcoming game between the San Diego Chargers and the New Orleans Saints is apparently over subscribed by 6 times the capacity. The Celtics pre season game in London was a sell out, and Chelsea, Manchester United and even Celtic have repeatedly sparked interest when they visit the U.S.A.

This only proves that sports can cross the pond as long as they are a spectacle, and this is what is interesting about the NBA as this will not just be about NBA expansion, but also about sustainability and marketability of sport across either side of the pond.

The NBA will undoubtedly face teething problems with this venture, but they must tackle two issues: The Jet Lag issue. Scheduling for the first few years will be a complete and utter nightmare and a no win situation. The NBA will have to make sure that Jet lag etc. is taken into account so no team can cry foul about having their chances ruined by a badly timed trip to London. The smallest scheduling difficulties can amount to the biggest controversies, as was shown when Miami Dolphins were made to play at home in London despite being further away, and when the New York Giants were given an extra home game in the wake of Katrina. An independent contractor must come in to verify there is not even a hint of the circumstantial bias. Secondly, the NFL and NBA both suffer from having one comparatively weak conference, any European division, if it is to survive must go through a period of affirmative action so these new NBA teams do not suffer the same fate as many expansion NFL franchises, as they will not necessarily, initially, have the existing fan interest to act as a crutch. The fan interest must be nurtured and that will not happen through obviously weak teams.

If it happens soon, they will be doing it at the right time. The NBA is comfortable in it’s talent pool to be able to pull off the “Harlem Globetrotters effect” to ensure interest. In the beginning the international team itself may not be the attraction. Instead the novelty will be found in the fact that Lebron James, with a little nudge from the NBA marketing department, is nearing cross-media superstar status, Kobe Bryant is a household name everywhere in the world and anybody who reads about the Boston Celtics in their Sunday supplement as the NBA makes it push for popularity will find it hard not to become completely enamoured with their history and their team concept. This effect of the visiting superstar will not last forever and that is why the teams have to be quality.

This suggestion may seem as simplistic as sending Beckham to L.A. However, for immediate gravitas of the new team the NBA could do worse than to give a phone call to their old chum Michael Jordan. Having MJ as a general manager of a team in London gives instant name recognition. Everybody in the world knows MJ and that would raise spotlight. The policy may be transparent, and it is the type of cheap publicity move that would hopefully only be necessary in the first year, but for this too work, the NBA in Europe cannot begin with a standing start.

In a child like manner, the NBA has the best chance of trans-Atlantic appeal. It is remained somewhat unscathed in the old American v. European sports mudslinging. While soccer is dismissed in America as being a sport played by kids where nothing happens, and American Football is dismissed by the average Brit as being “Rugby for Jessie’s”, Basketball has remained somewhat cool. Generally people in Britain are impressed by the abilities displayed by Basketball players, as it is a unique skill. If pressed I believe many Brits would argue that Rugby players can do what American football players can do and vice-versa. Basketball is a unique and interesting skill. It is whether this skill can be sustainable beyond it being enjoyable to watch on Youtube, that is the question.

The MLS and NFL Europe was like sending a dog up to space, this is a brilliant chance to send a real human. Will the NBA survive in the gravity-less environment of Europe? If it does, it will change sport forever, the seeds are in place, NFL is testing the waters and American owners are increasingly investing in English Premier League teams. Throw in the irresistible marketing potential of Asia as shown by the Scuddamore 39 games plan, Bob Krafts China-obsession and the MLB playing pre-season in Asia and globalisation in sport could be rearing it’s head. It’s up to the NBA to take the bullet and tell us whether that head is ugly or not.

David Beckham BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Capello cannot have this issue hanging over his head, he needs to get it out the way. Only 25 more England caps till Beckham breaks Peter Shilton’s record. It’s going to be the elephant in the room untill he gets his caps. Who cares if he is essentially a part time footballer? Only 25 more caps and the issue is done and dusted, dead and buried.

At the moment Bobby Moore and Bobby Charlton have more caps than him. How can you expect David Beckham to show his face in the La Galaxy locker room, among such greats as former MLS comeback player of the year Chris Klein, when Beckham doesn’t even have more England caps than Bobby Moore?

Prior to the England v. France David Beckham testimonial match, Beckham said “I may be a squad player who comes on to take a free kick to win the game”.This is fantastic news for England , Beckham has carved out a niche where no matter how unfit he is, he can be wheeled out for more emotional glory filled GOAL! or Roy of the Rovers inspired clap fests.

England has two options:

1. Give Beckham 25 more caps.

2. Give David Bentley a couple of silly haircuts and a celebrity girlfriend.

One or the other Fabio, the choice is yours.

I think the choice will be made for him though. After the match Beckham told of how he felt “very fresh”. Maybe more players should forget about competitive fixtures and move to semi retirement. Michael Owen could go and play in Quatar, Frank Lampard could agree to a deal in Dubai and finally England would be over the hump 11 fresh players. Goodbye Premiership, hello World Cup Winners.

His Name is Rio and he’s the England captain…

 

Bet that’s the first time a version of that headline has been used…IT’S LIKE A DURAN DURAN SONG…GET IT? GET IT?

Rio Ferdinand was named England captain today, over serial moaners Gerrard and Terry.

To be a captain, you have to have a little thing called TURD:

 TRUST

UNDERSTANDING

RESPECT

DIPLOMACY

 Does he have all these things? He doesn’t even get past the first letter. Trust? Rio doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Any of you who were in Britain for the summer of 06 will no doubt remember the often immitated, never duplicated, groundbreaking series called “Rio’s World Cup Wind Up’s” where Rio Ferdinand  Punks (removed due to copyright by MTV) his England team mates. How can Rio as a captain expect them to have any trust in his leadership. No , they will be standing guard in case the wacky RIO plays a silly trick on them that is in no way reminiscent of an episode of Punk’d (removed due to copyright by MTV).

What next , England entering the five nations with Jeremy Beadle as captain? (R.I.P.)

Ashton Kutcher as captain of the U.S.A. basketball olympic team?

While England are obviously a complete and utter mess at the moment, Scotland can take solace in the fact that despite an onslaught of timely “injuries” to many star players such as Ferguson, Mcfadden, Robson and cough Lee Mcculloch cough. No need to worry though, Gary Teale is still available and any call offs have been offset by the call up of Gavin Rae. Gavin and Gary should inspire Scotland to victory as they are an electric duo…G Squared as they are known in some parts due to their chemistry.

 G Squared….sounds like a rap group doesn’t it? I wonder where a rap group of two celebrities could get noticed?

 Tune into Rio Ferdinand’s new show where he is a judge on what is being billed as X-FACTOR…EXCEPT WITH CELEBS….RAPPING. Featuring performances by Britain’s entertainer Shane Ritchie (Bradley Walsh was otherwise engaged),  Coleen Mcloughlin’s Got Talent Winner Coleen Mcloughlin (she was the most talented entrant named Coleen Mcloughlin) and Amir Khan, who will only rap if he can do it in Bolton.

 Come on Rio, this must be a wind up if you havn’t signed up G-squared. They are Rap Idol’s version of the Mcdonald Brothers.  Sign them and you’ll start to regain some TURD.

FORGIVE ME KEVIN KEEGAN!

On those pages I may have doubted the euphoria surrounding the Keegan regime returning to Newcastle , but with a 2-0 annihilation of the unbeatable, indefatigable, iron-willed warriors of Fulham, just 9 short games in,  Keegan has extinguished any fears of his managerial prowess.

During the game, Keegan began to revert back to his enigmatic self, squirting the crowd with his water bottle…

Roy Hodgson spent the entire game reverting into a scarecrow who has seen better days.