Team of the Week

The Mentally Ill 11

1. Chris Benoit

At goalie we need a safe pair of hands, somebody who is definitely mental. It doesn’t get much more mental than a double homicide of members of your family.

2. Ryan Tucker

A right tackle in the NFL, so will fit in well as right back in our team. Took a break from the NFL last season for undisclosed mental issues, sounds pretty mental to me.

3. Ricky Williams

The Bi-polar pot addict and former Toronto Running Back will fit in well as a surging left back.

4. Frank Bruno

Will provide physical presence in defence at centre half. Mental because he ran for Tory office (OOOOOWWW POLITICAL) and also because he was sectioned under the mental health act.

5. Erik Brown

Erik will provide some aerial prowess in defence. Former basketball star at the University of Louisville, deluded by the lack of fame after college claimed he was making a movie with Spike Lee and signing a contract with the Detroit Pistons. He wasn’t, but he did try to set fire to himself when he was inside his apartment.

6. Brett Favre

The lynchpin of the midfield famed for his ball delivery, but qualifies for the mentally ill team due to his addiction to pain pills.

7. Paul Merson

The incredibly gifted former Arsenal great struggled with alcoholism throughout his career.

8. Paul Gascoigne (c)

The man who inspired this list. Caught last week naked and drunk in a hotel, with two plastic parrots eating raw liver. This qualifies him to be the team captain.

9.Terry Bradshaw

Proven points scorer at number 9. Not only did quarterback legend Terry Bradshaw become a religious freak, not only did he star in “Failure to Launch” but he also claimed in his book that he cried for hours after every game.

10. Stan Collymore

Although Stan is now fairly successfully reinventing himself as an analyst, he was forced to go down that route thanks to a career plagued by mental illness.

11. Terrell Owens

Speed on the wing from the Cowboys Wide receiver who, despite having “25 millions reasons to be alive” allegedly attempted suicide via an overdose of prescription pain pills.

Super Sub: New mentalist, William Gallas.