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But…this will also be available as something called, a “podcast”. So please , if there are any issues you’d like us to deal with in this show, we will try and provide the adequate support. Simply leave any questions, comments, arguments, theories: HERE. Then you can listen back and hear your name, followed by your issue, followed by our response? Imagine you, sitting at home, hearing your own name, said aloud, by real people? You imagining? Does it give you a buzz? WELL POST!

GOLF = WORST SPORT EVER

 

After dominating the Accenture Match Play Championship this past weekend, Tiger Woods has captured his 5th straight title and dominating his sport like no athlete has. Sounds, like an exciting time to be a golf fan right? Hell no. In fact, at this very moment Golf has got to be the worst sport there is, which is why I don’t follow it. Sure, its quite hypocritical for me to bash golf when I’m not even a golf fan, so whats my problem? My problem is that as a sports fan, who likes the game of golf, I have ZERO motivation to watch it. 

 There are several reasons I can’t watch golf. The first is the simple fact that its the most pathetic group of athletes out of any professional sport ( yes, NASCAR included). I heard a statistic saying that the difference between Tiger and Phil (the 2nd ranked player in the world) was the same difference between Phil and the 100th ranked player in the world. Maybe thats not even true, but the fact is that Tiger is so much better the rest of the field  makes golf boring as hell. To make Golf even worse, the rest of the golfers are poor excuses for athletes.  I challenge you to name another sport where the number 2 player in the world has titties? Keep in mind I’m talking about men’s professional sports. Phil Mickelson has man-boobs. What’s that say about the sport? John Daly? MOOBS. How many african-americans play golf? One that I know of and he’s dominating. Sure they are the best golfers in the world, but who cares if the only people playing the sport are fat, rich, white men.

While its fun to make fun of men with breasts, the biggest reason I hate the sport is because no other golfer has even remotely challenged Tiger. When Jordan dominated basketball in the 90’s, there were always teams nipping at his heels. From Barkley’s Phoenix Suns to Malone’s Utah Jazz, there were always players and teams raising their game to take a shot at MJ. Look at the way Roger Federer has dominated tennis. He has made it look easy. Has it been? No way. Raphael Nadal has been a royal pain in his ass. If not for this tenacious Spaniard, Federer would have had two French Opens by now, and been the only player to complete 2 full grand-slams, conceding him as the greatest tennis player ever. Federer’s dominance has fueled the sport, and now all kinds of young players  are popping up, playing out of their mind trying to take down the Fed. If Phil Mickelson is supposed to be the Rafael Nadal of golf, then the sport is in trouble.  

  My other problem with Golf is that Tiger Woods is a complete D-Bag. With a demeanor that resembles a pissed-off Steve Urkel, Tiger Woods is hardly a likable person. Sure, when the camera is on him he shines those freakishly long, pearly whites, but take a flash photo of him while he’s teeing off and he’ll use those same teeth to rip out your jugular. King of the fake smile, Tiger’s true emotions are seen in the way he throws his clubs, bitches at the gallery, and scowls at his fans.  

  To put things bluntly: Golf sucks. If you love golf, you can probably watch it and appreciate that professional golfers are the best at what they do. Its an individual sport, making it easy to take pleasure in watching Tiger dominate a tournament. But for the casual sports fan who craves competition,  passion, and dedication, golf  is just not for us. For me, if I want to see an athlete dominate his sport I’ll stick to tennis, where the competition is fierce, and the number one player is not a douche.

Barack Obama was right.

 

Obama, without even being in power has broken the mould of what a politician should be.

While other politicians wax lyrical about what will happen when they are in power, they ultimately never live up to their billing. Obama is unique because when he promises something, he gets it done, even before he gets in power.

Obama said ” Change is coming to America”

 He was right. Americans had been apathetic towards sport, they had become disengaged with what a sportsman should be, they kept looking to the past, to Jordan, to Namath, to Armstrong. America had no future, no unifying quality. America needed change.

 ……………..

 Today it happened, America now has changed. It now has a sporting hero to build a resurgence of sport upon, somebody who can be looked up to, admired and the youth of today can emulate this man.

 Many say he is a mountain of a man, well this will be all the more poignant when the USA has to arrange for another image on Mount Rushmore.

 The man who is bringing change……

KENNY DEUCHAR SIGNS FROM GRETNA FOR REAL SALT LAKE.

 

 This comes at exactly the right time for Obama as he hopes to deliver a knockout blow to the Clinton campaign, first his promises are already coming true. Second, any worries about the state of America’s health care are silenced thanks to Kenny Deuchar being a trained doctor/born healer.

 Can Kenny Deuchar save America?

 YES HE CAN

 YES HE CAN

YES HE CAN

Travesty at the NFL Combine

Television can heighten peoples emotions. The debate crops up every year about the unfairness of a fairly unflexible television schedule for both the NFL and the NBA. In Britain, the return of News at Ten caused widespread unexplained euphoria. When Arrested Development was cancelled the show was used as an example for ever more of heartless TV executives, obsessed with buzz words like demographics who don’t care about presenting quality television to the viewer.

All valid arguments. So if people can get that upset about television, why has there not been more uproar about the decision to stop showing the NFL prospects topless at the combine?This used to provide impetus for a  double dose of funny. First, it presented the opportunity for some cringe television via either the arrogance or shame of future NFL prospects. A constant reminder that although they will be making more money than all the pathetic people like me watching it put together , they have to suffer the ultimate ridiculous embarrassment of being of being on stage, topless, gawped at by millions around the world. Second is the demeanour of the scouts attending the event. What is an appropriate face for a hetrosexual 50 year old scout to display when he is examining a half naked 21 year old man? They can’t look too impressed as that might create doubts about where their enjoyment of the display stems from, they also can’t look to withdrawn, because then it looks like they are unprofessional, or worse, hiding something.

 Maybe the decision is a marketing ploy and they are set to release “The Combine: x-rated” on dvd. Or perhaps it’s taking place in secret so the scouts can get extra seedy in secret.

The combine has achieved renewed importance thanks to Mario Williams (Ding ding ding, congratulations you are the ten thousandth NFL player with the last name Williams). Mario Williams was originally the poster boy for the combines failings, a genetic freak he impressed in the combine but the Houston Texans were lampooned for drafting Williams based on the combine. The cat was out the bag, the combine was a joke. But then something strange happened, Williams began to perform, while Reggie Bush, a competitor to be number 1 draft pick stalled. Sexually confused pro football scouts everywhere let out a loud sigh of relief. The homo-eroticism of the combine can continue without contest. Hoorah.

 Two people are invited to the combine each year. They have this one guy who is over-hyped, has character issues and is a genetic freak. Then they have this other guy who is under-rated and may lack the exact physical tools but is a high motor, high character guy with lots of intangibles. If more people come to the combine pundits panic and attempt to fit either one of these description to everyone present .

 Mario Williams may have saved the combine , but his name brings with it a warning. Mario, Super Mario. Mario didn’t have elite speed but he was a high character guy, he had lots of intangibles, like the ability to grow if he steps on a mushroom, the ability to become invincible if he runs through a star and leadership qualities seen in the way he guided his cousin Luigi into adulthood. But then came this competitor to be the top draft pick, Sonic the hedgehog. Scouts were blown away by the physicality of sonic and gushed about his elite speed 40 time. He was meant to redefine the position of animated computer game hero. But Mario had a high motor and high character so he was able to withstand the competition and lead his team, Nintendo to a Superbowl. Sonic was more a “me first” guy , he was all about the coin. He ended up demanding a trade to Nintendo for more money. Let that be a lesson to you, NFL.

Will Mayweather save the WWE?

 

World Wrestling Entertainment is making it’s eleven billionth attempt to shoehorn itself into mainstream psyche, after its last jaunt in the late 90’s. Instead of building their stars correctly, they are throwing a fortune behind a individual famous outside of the arena of Sports Entertainment. They tried it with K-Fed, they tried it with Donald Trump but now they are trying it with Floyd “Money” Mayweather.

The buzz appeared first with “Hulkamania” and then the New “Attitude” era in WWE. Both of these era’s were inherently original. Nobody had seen a concept as unique as “Sports Entertainment” in the 80’s. However, it did not age well so slowly regressed into a goofy state in the early 90’s. Come the mid-90’s with the New World Order and the Attitude Era, wrestling was original again. The “attitude” which they were selling could not be seen anywhere else on television and it fitted with the tone of society at the time. Wrestling is cyclical and it is due another buzz period.

These days however, society is cynical. Everybody has so much choice that people get very bored easily. That is why people do not take well to the WWE showing them exactly the same thing every week. As UFC shows WWE how exciting surprises can be, the WWE continues to have the same untouchables on top of the show. Randy Orton, Batista and John Cena are company made guys whose rise to fame was far from organic but was instead forced down the viewers throat.. HHH is the ultimate second banana. Great as a villain/auxiliary character,  but when the faith in wrestling is put on his shoulder it’s the WWE’s answer to “Joey”.  Edge is the perfect replacement for HHH in the lead villain role but they don’t have a Rock or an Austin who can bring out the best in him. Undertaker is a bit like an Aerosmith concert. You and your friends would discuss going to see the gig for ages because it has tremendous novelty value, but if you went you would just end up feeling disappointed if that was in 2008, the best that rock music had to offer.

Mayweather will bring obvious comparisons of Mike Tyson’s appearance in wrestling. It is however completely different because Mike Tyson was “giving the rub” to Stone Cold Steve Austin by eventually siding with him. They therefore took somebody who was on the cusp of superstardom and put him over the edge. Tyson was also a far more notorious, infamous and indeed, famous figure than Mayweather.

With Mayweather, instead of bringing him in to feud with somebody on the cusp of stardom and therefore, giving him “the rub” ie. M.V.P. or Jeff Hardy , they are instead giving it to somebody, The Big Show,  who a) only recently came back from injury induced retirement, b) His freakish size means his sell by date is growing ever closer. c) Has attempted to be pushed as a top dog for years and years but has only really looked at home as somebody who is a middle of the road bad guy who can be called upon when needed to go on a hot streak. He is not the future of the company. Nobody will see the Big Show fighting Mayweather and think “HEY….WAIT A MINUTE…A 7 FOOT TALL GUY…WRESTLING’S AWESOME”.

Mayweather will appeal to some of the much talked about 18-30 demographic,  who will see some novelty and nostalgia in ordering a P.P.V. They will not be sucked in however due to the fact that increasingly WWE is built for children, not even very clever children. Recently the WWE ran a competition to its fans for a new slogan and I’m surprised they didn’t go with “WWE: Written by immature adults for idiot children”. It would then do exactly as advertised for once instead of sucking the fan in as it constantly does only to slap them in the face with a series of tasteless storylines which are completely insulting to the intelligence of even the most simple minded.

My wrestling interest/depressing obsession has dwindled recently, but they still have some odd psychological hold over me. Despite the fact when I watch it I feel as if I’m being punched in the face, I still defend it to outsiders. I would however, never urge anybody to watch it who hasn’t before. I would feel embarrassed.

I watched RAW in its entirety for the first time in about 6 months on Monday. I can’t believe the WWE does not feel a stinging feeling of shame about trying to get mainstream America to latch on to the WWE with the help of Floyd Mayweather and then presenting this.

If I could sum the WWE up in one sequence from Monday’s broadcast it would be this: Maria, who is posing for Playboy in the WWE’s annual “Diva” shoot in Playboy, came out accompanying the often hilarious Santino Marella to the ring. Santino Marella was teaming with Carlito to fight the tag team champions. Hardcore “I can’t believe he’s not still jobbing” Holly and Cody “I can’t believe Dusty Rhodes’ son has so little charisma” Rhodes. The senile Jerry “The King” Lawler spent the entire match where he is meant to be doing colour commentary, literally begging Maria to come to sit beside him. In his high pitch squeal he asked Maria to come and sit beside him not once, but fourteen times, literally. The funniest thing about this is that Vince Mcmahon is clearly in the headset telling him that this is what the fans want.

WWE: Come for the boxer from the heart of pop-culture, stay for the senile old man creepily verbally abusing a young woman over and over again.

The WWE then presented the entirely original storyline of whether John Cena and HHH could co-exist as a tag team. I wonder if prior to Lidell v. Rampage, they had to team up and fight Rashad Evans and Matt Hammill about eleven times before they fight, and then they repeated this for every main event for the next year, if anybody would care about the UFC. I doubt it.

WWE also presented Paul Burchill in his new gimmick. Paul Burchill is an incredibly talented British Wrestler who has been off television for about two years because Vince Mcmahon didn’t understand his previous gimmick of a Johnny Depp style pirate. But after two years of deliberation, the WWE caught lightning in a bottle and went for the always classic, ambiguous incest storyline between Burchill and his sister. You can’t put a price on creativity.

New fans would also be enticed by the Vince Mcmahon storyline. Yes Vince Mcmahon is still on TV. Only this time he’s updated it. After about 100 attempts to redo his feud with Stone Cold, v. Cena, v. HHH, v. HBK, v. Bobby Lashley, etc, or one of his many sexual deviancy storylines with Candice Michelle, with Trish Stratus, with Melina etc. Vince has moved with the times and created a storyline where he gets to abuse a midget who he claims is his son and the midget acts like a child. Either because the WWE thinks so little of its fans that they believe they couldn’t comprehend a small person being an adult, or that Vince just saw Austin Powers 2 for the first time. If you think this is awful, at least be thankful Vince hasn’t made an attempt to begin one of his incest storylines, but it shouldn’t be long before the next time you are channel hopping and Vince is pounding away on Hornswoggle. There was already a hint of sexual tension in their “Kiss My ass” segment a few weeks ago (don’t ask)

Vince Mcmahon’s recent bout of promotion with the help of Mayweather is a lot like getting Mayweather to promote a sports drink. But when you buy it, it’s not a drink that helps you with sports performance. It’s urine. But you just paid 40 dollars for it. So you drink it, and it’s disgusting. But you still have an inherent need to defend why you spent all that money on it. If a lot of people buy this ppv because of Mayweather. it’s opening up the dirty little secret of wrestling fans to the masses so there is literally no way to defend how awful it is. Mayweather could be the final nail in the coffin of WWE, as loads of borderline fans tune in and are reminded why they stopped watching.

Vikings deal WR Williamson to Jags

Underachieving, inconsistent wide receiver first round draft picks are sooooooo moreish.

Inhaling the sour aroma of guilt.

 

 

I sit here, alone. Round my neck I have my medals for winning a couple of local rugby tournament in Primary school, a medal which I received for coming 2^nd in the class sprint in Primary 7, my swimming badge from scouts, a most improved award I won at Center Parcs Football camp and of course, as every school child in Britain has, about 50 medals from “Goals” won at Birthday parties. I could go on but I don’t want to make anybody jealous of my embarrassment of sporting riches.

Undeniably, my peak is long gone, forgotten in the annuls of time with only a few badges and tinny medals to console me as I cry into my pillow. I thought the crying had stopped, finally I had come to accept the realisation that I would never live the life of a professional sportsman. I came to accept that I could just snipe bitterly at those more talented and use that to compensate for my comparative failings. As I attacked their success in front of the television, I could take solace in my own past modest achievements.

But it appears all this could be in jeopardy. My last clutches to sporting success in peril. As a child, from birth through primary school, I suffered from asthma. Somehow I overcame asthma to win the aforementioned cub scout swimming badge, I believed it was all attributed to my tenacity, but I must say thanks to the help of a medicine called Bricanyl. To calm my asthmatic ailments, I took a bricanyl inhaler every day. These helped me participate in the same sporting experiences that my fellow children enjoyed, without the trappings of asthma. Sometimes I’d self medicate and give myself a few more puffs at times of strenuous activity, due to my desire to win.

Then I read the newspaper.

Scott Macleod, a Scotland second row, stood accused of violating Rugby’s drug abuse policy. What was the offending article? A bricanyl inhaler. I read this dejected, although he was cleared .As the times HILLARIOUSLY quipped “Now Macleod can breathe easily”, (It’s cause he’s asthmatic and asthmatics have trouble breathing….but he was also breathless due to the stress of the thought of being banned, but now that he is cleared, he no longer has trouble breathing as the stress is absent. But he is also able to use his inhaler so that will help his breathing additionally. GET IT? IT’S A PUN. For more awful puns, see the title of this blog.)

Were my humble successes all down to my daily dose of bricanyl? Could I not even count these medals and badges among the few things that keep me warm at night? My whole sporting life has been a lie. Every game of rugby, every game of Football, every race, my few attempts at golf and tennis, all lies, all just mirages in a drug fuelled frenzy as I puffed on my inhaler (or as I now refer to it “the juice”. ) to give me that winning edge.

I can’t live with the guilt. Tommorow, I am going to drive to “Goals”, The cub scout hall, Center Parcs, my primary school and Greenock Rugby club . I will hand back all my winnings. You can take my medals, but with it, please take my guilt. I don’t want to know in the back of my head that I cheated all a long, the slate should be wiped clean. Only then can I live free.

The same must be done for Scott Macleod, he must have all his sporting achievements stripped. Admittedly, that will leave more of a void for Macleod than it will for me. But finally he can live free. I would call for Scotland to be stripped of all this season’s 6 nations wins but unfortunately, that is not an issue. What might be an issue is if tomorrow the team doctor diagnoses the entire team with asthma and prescribes Bricanyl and suddenly Scotland might win. How would Scotland as a nation feel then? Would they be grateful of their modicum of achievement? Don’t do it Scotland, it will only bring you the same happiness that I will feel tonight, in my room now shorn of medals with the stench of guilt.

Thanks!

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Team of the Week

The Mentally Ill 11

1. Chris Benoit

At goalie we need a safe pair of hands, somebody who is definitely mental. It doesn’t get much more mental than a double homicide of members of your family.

2. Ryan Tucker

A right tackle in the NFL, so will fit in well as right back in our team. Took a break from the NFL last season for undisclosed mental issues, sounds pretty mental to me.

3. Ricky Williams

The Bi-polar pot addict and former Toronto Running Back will fit in well as a surging left back.

4. Frank Bruno

Will provide physical presence in defence at centre half. Mental because he ran for Tory office (OOOOOWWW POLITICAL) and also because he was sectioned under the mental health act.

5. Erik Brown

Erik will provide some aerial prowess in defence. Former basketball star at the University of Louisville, deluded by the lack of fame after college claimed he was making a movie with Spike Lee and signing a contract with the Detroit Pistons. He wasn’t, but he did try to set fire to himself when he was inside his apartment.

6. Brett Favre

The lynchpin of the midfield famed for his ball delivery, but qualifies for the mentally ill team due to his addiction to pain pills.

7. Paul Merson

The incredibly gifted former Arsenal great struggled with alcoholism throughout his career.

8. Paul Gascoigne (c)

The man who inspired this list. Caught last week naked and drunk in a hotel, with two plastic parrots eating raw liver. This qualifies him to be the team captain.

9.Terry Bradshaw

Proven points scorer at number 9. Not only did quarterback legend Terry Bradshaw become a religious freak, not only did he star in “Failure to Launch” but he also claimed in his book that he cried for hours after every game.

10. Stan Collymore

Although Stan is now fairly successfully reinventing himself as an analyst, he was forced to go down that route thanks to a career plagued by mental illness.

11. Terrell Owens

Speed on the wing from the Cowboys Wide receiver who, despite having “25 millions reasons to be alive” allegedly attempted suicide via an overdose of prescription pain pills.

Super Sub: New mentalist, William Gallas.

ONE last look at the Eduardo Horror Injury.

The hottest topic in football is the injury of Eduardo. The sickening snap above Eduardo’s ankle must rank among the most disgusting sports injuries, along with the David Buust injury, the Henrik Larsonn and the Joe Theismann. The aftermath of the injury amounts to what is basically a channel 5 documentary. Everybody feels horrible for poor Eduardo, but his injury has gained an extreme level of steam due to the goriness of it. The disappointment of a young starlet cut down in his prime could not quite out rank the disappointment of Sky Sports not being able to show the full extent of his injury.

We as a people find it hard to be shocked, television and film constantly breaks barriers of pain, gore and suffering. But there is one thing that people can always rely on to disgust even the most gore-malaised of souls: the clean leg break. About ten people have sent me the leg break and in sheer awe and ghoulishness I have forwarded the image to about another ten people.

Viewers of the incident have their guilt somewhat nullified by the return to prominence of Henrik Larson. Although Larson suffered a similar injury he returned to be an even better player. I hope the same happens to Eduardo. At the moment my emotion reminds me of the death of Heath Ledger. It was clear that Heath Ledger had a great amount of talent, and was ready to explode in the right circumstances. The same can be said of Eduardo, as he was slowly acclimatising to the English Premiership and evolving into a fantastic player. We can only hope that unlike Heath, Eduardo will get to fulfill that potential.

I’m not a hippy, so I don’t believe or claim to understand in the “chi of the universe” or any of that business. However, the Arsenal-Reading game was undoubtedly an example. In one half we see one of the most disgusting and horrifying images to happen on a football pitch. How can the universe possibly redeem itself and restore a balance. The universe waited till added time to restore its natural equilibrium. One of the greatest pieces of comedy ever took place after James Mcfadden’s penalty. William Gallas, the Arsenal captain and normally intimidating gentleman, went in what can only be described as a huff. He refused to play anymore and stopped a step short of picking up his ball and going home. Instead of surrounding the penalty area he sat in the centre circle, sulking. Then he charged at the advertising board like a child. Not even John Ritter (R.I.P.) could have controlled him.

The influence a manager can have on his players was clear for all to see as Arsene Wenger continued to act like a small child also. He was obviously upset about the Eduardo situation, but the viewer is less inclined to feel sympathy for him when he over-reacts every single week. No matter how tasking a situation on a football pitch can be and regardless of him retracting his statement, Wenger must think long and hard before essentially comparing Taylor to a murderer. Especially when on closer inspection it was simply a silly foul (cast your minds back to last week when Gallas was being defended by Wenger for silly petulant fouls against Nani).

The Premiership has two combustible elements: The skill-full foreigner and the classic British centre half. I don’t quite understand how they are expected to both exist in the same arena without fear of an adverse reaction. When a Martin Taylor comes up against an Eduardo, what is he supposed to do other than stick his leg out and hope for the best? He wasn’t malicious he was simply outclassed.

Hopefully Gallas and Wenger can grow up and their behaviour can be attributed to an aberration thanks to the horror of the injury. The effect of a disgusting injury cannot be ignored. I remember coming out of the movie “Any Given Sunday” with a few of my friends, after seeing one of the most inspiring speeches on film, the “INCHES AND YARDS” speech by Al Pacino, we still exited the cinema discussing the fact that we had seen a guy’s eye fall out. The universe always offers an other side of the coin to be focused on so instead of dining out on the Eduardo injury, let’s all forward the William Gallas incident to our friends. Focus on what’s really important, a grown man devolving into a mental state and throwing one of the most classic tantrums of all time.